I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Music, DANCING, hop scotch, green peppers, cherry coke, sarcasm, talking my mother out of getting a Jeminy Cricket tattoo, downtown rooftops, drag queens, rainy days, creative writing, the genius of Gerard Way, a mocha delite with two cherries, my friends, good stuff, Jesus, sammiches...and...ummm.......Jared Leto.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, Taking Back Sunday, Finch, Thursday, 30 Seconds to Mars, Panic! at the Disco, Billy Talent, Jeffree Star, The Magical, Mystical, Fantastical, DAVID BOWIE, From First to Last, Forgive Durden, The Academy Is..., Gym Class Heroes, Duran Duran, Lorene Drive, A Kiss For Jersey, Patend Pending, Upper Class Trash, Downtown Singapore, The Semester, The Silent Escape, On the Last Day, De Soto, Don't Die Cindy, XZIBIT, Rookie of the Year, Ludacris, Straylight Run, Endwell, Esme, Slayer, Four Letter Lie, Red Lipstick Letter, Vegastar, Jeezy, Jay Z, and a bunch of indie bands.

Phantom of the Paradise, Clockwork Orange, Sliding Doors, Homeroom, A Skanner Darkly, Nightmare Before Christmas, Requiem for a Dream, Moulin Rouge, Benny and June, The Last Unicorn, Save Each Other, The Whales Are Doing Fine, Junebug, Pulse, Life as a House, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Velvet Goldmine, and a bunch of indie films and chick flicks that I can't think of right now.

Buffy, Work Out, Grey's Anatomy, Scrubs, Dr. G Medical Examiner, Diagnosis Unknown, Animal Planet's Most Extreme, Take Home Chef, While You Were Out, Farscape, Dr. Who, Comedy Central, HGTV, Iron Chef, Discovery and History channels (I'm a nerd), MTV2's Rock Countdown, and Spanish Channel Soap Opera's.,

Water for Elephants, Boy with the Thorn in His Side, A Million Little Pieces, 1984, The Heart is Decietful Above All Things.